GREETINGS
A proper entrance is critical to setting the mood for the rest of the day. Walk into the office with a friendly wave and a borderline-gregarious "Good [morning/afternoon/evening], how are you?" If you receive positive responses or a "How are you?" in kind, reply, "Fantastic, thank you for asking!"
Chances are you'll receive a negative response or two: something along the lines of "God, I'm tired" or "Ready to go home! " Remember that the walls have ears! Why haven't these people been fired yet?! Never return a sentiment that suggests your job doesn't foster wet dreams. Reply instead with a buoyant, "Some-body's got a case of the [Mondays/mid-week-blues/pre-weekend-antsies]!" This will ideally get them back into the appropriately jovial mindset.
Don't forget to follow a similar protocol for departing the office: "Have a good evening!" with a wave and a grin takes only a moment to say, and saves you from a medley of potentially hurt feelings. Be sure you've left more than fifteen minutes after you're supposed to. Otherwise, someone may snidely suggest that you haven't got enough to do - or, worse, that you hate being there.
REQUISITE BANTER: THE REAL MEAT OF A DEAL.
Preclude all business negotiations with a fifteen-minute discussion about changes in the weather and the season's sports. By no means can you cut this short - or, God forbid, cut to the chase. You will only alienate everyone you know or lend the sense that all you care about is money, not relationships, which is truly what these discussions are about.
For maximum effectiveness, be sure you know what sports team represents your affiliate's area so you can toss in a friendly jab. Act playfully sensitive when s/he is adventurous enough to jab at the sports team in your area. This acknowledges his or her intelligence. S/he was clever enough to know something about where you live, so the most beneficial thing you can do in this situation is pretend it matters.
To prepare yourself for the inevitable reference to sports, be sure you're savvy on your home teams and not just your affiliate's teams. There is nothing more suicidal than missing a subtle reference to a local win or loss in your own town. You will embarrass your affiliate and demonstrate that you don't care about the things that really matter in life.
WRITTEN CORRESPONDENCE
In a digital age like this one, chances are you will be sending a lot of e-mails. If you shoot back more than a couple of correspondences with the same person (intra-office or affiliate), remember that thank-you’s and wish-you-well's aren't always enough. To imagine so would be laziness at the very least, or inconsiderateness at worst! This latter quality is precisely the opposite of team-playerism.
A good e-mail correspondence, particularly if you often require cooperation of some kind from your recipient, includes one line (not two) of funny banter or a smiley: =) This makes you appear less overbearing when asking someone to do what is presumably his/her job anyway. It also helps if you provide the illusion of choice; that is, suggesting s/he can do what you ask "at his/her convenience" even though you both know it needs to be done immediately and on pain of death.
For maximum effectiveness, include the true purpose of your e-mail as almost an afterthought. This lends the sense that you are having such a good time communicating with the person that you've nearly (but not quite) forgotten you need anything at all.
Below is an example of the ideal e-mail, action-packed with funny banter, a smiley, illusion of choice, and a request as an afterthought:
Hey Joe,
It was great talking to you over the phone yesterday; you made the situation surrounding the Thompson case very clear. Tell your boss you deserve a raise!
Also, I was hoping you could go ahead and send me the Thompson file so I can start the approval process. No rush, of course. =)
Thanks in advance!
Regards,
John Smith
WINNING PHRASEOLOGY
Be sure to incorporate the following phrases into your vocabulary. These will guide you efficiently to the end goal of all successful communication: a meaty, seemingly meaningful discussion that enabled both parties to walk away feeling like something has or is being accomplished.
Absolutely!
No problem!
Glad we got that squared away
Let's touch bases about...
I/You can go ahead and...
SPREADING ARBITRARY GOODWILL
Never forget to sprinkle the occasional compliment upon your fellow man: "I love what you did with your hair!" or "Great suit!" can go far. Do so when it will be least expected, and do not give more than one compliment per week to the same person. More than that may suggest you are insincere.
Remember: being a team player isn't just about working hard; it's about working smart with your fellow team-mates.
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